I can’t help but to feel sad all the time. I constantly question the meaning of life; what’s even the point? Why should I go on? Even if I’ll end up one day being happy, I will still inevitably stumble upon tough and lonely times. Is it worth the pain of living? Life IS unfair, and there are so many of us living already, I just can’t help but think that we live only to reproduce, and well, there’s already enough of us. The point of my existence is only to continue the process of conceiving. We are all just animals and chemical reactions; one day I’m happy and the next day I’m not. But what is this happiness anyway? It’s just a flow of endorphins and other happiness boosters in our bodies, and the lack of it is what makes us feel dreary. Happiness is not a physical thing. It’s a chemical produced in our bodies to make us continue our will to live. And I haven’t had happiness in a long time. I don’t have a stable amount of happiness in me. One moment it’s there and then I won’t know when it’ll be the next time I see it. All I can do is hope, and continue to hope. But what’s the point in hoping? Why should I hope? Why should I continue this painful process? Sure, life can be beautiful, and pain only increases the intensity of the moments that are filled with happiness, but what if your life is filled with more of pain than with happiness? What if the ratio is 10:1, and it has been for more than I can remember? I’m a young woman, and half of my life has been filled with more disappointment than happiness. I just can’t help but to think, it’s unnecessary to distract myself from this inevitable and constant pain. It’s unnecessary to keep hoping for life to turn its way around. Even if things do improve, will it improve soon? How much longer will I have to wait? Will it be worth it? Possibly, possibly not. Either way, I HAVE to stick around to see if it does. I’m currently studying for a bright future, a future with huge ambitions and possibilities, but still all that does is makes me think, again, what is the point? Will that make me happy? Will ANYTHING make me happy? What if I do work hard and get the future I need, and all it does is bring false hopes. I deserve a life where everything isn’t so unfair.
Vet inte. Behövde skriva ner detta och dela det med folk jag inte känner. Jag försöker inte leta efter tröst precis, och jag tänker absolut inte ta livet av mig...
Jag skriver mina tankar bättre på Engelska så ursäkta mig om det var lite random.
Tack för att ni läste.
Jag bor i England, motherfuckers.